Healing My Inner Child's Fear of Abandonment - Part 6 of 6

During 2022 I learned how deep my boundary issues were, and how I rarely exhibited any healthy boundaries for myself. I read an Instagram Post from boundary expert Teri Cole, author of Boundary Boss, that talked about being a "settler." It was another insight helping me figure out some of my behavior. Among many others, I had been listening to Teri's amazing Podcast for quite a while too, which assisted in lots of insights and healing. I unconsciously learned I had to settle with whatever behavior someone exhibited. I had to be the "good boy" and not have any feelings about the way people treated me and just somehow work it out and move forward. That's what "good people" do. 

It was quite amazing for me how all these insights occurred  and especially when I asked, they always showed up. Once you believe, the signs are everywhere. Boy, did my Guides show up for me. 

I started writing this Blog Post on 7/19/2023 and immediately after starting it, I started feeling triggered and some grief showing up. The next day I decided to do yet another Cord Clearing energy healing sit on this friend. Shortly after the fallout in December, I had started doing Cord Clearing energy work on myself and 5 of the friendships that had ended. (I still have more to do) During my studies of both energy healing and shamanism, I learned It can take numerous sessions to release those energetic cords from others. It can also be deeply painful, yet healing work. I also performed another shamanic ritual by writing their names on a piece of paper and burning and burying all those hurt feelings. That too, was very cathartic and healing. 

During my morning hike of that week, I again prayed and asked Source to "Show me what it is I need to see and show me what it is I'm not seeing." It again came the next day when I saw another IG Post from Teri Cole stating, "If you asserting a boundary blows up a relationship - that relationship was built on your self abandonment." Ding ding ding. When I read that my entire body eased. How often throughout my life had I self abandoned myself? I've often thought most issues in my life were from a feeling of low self-worth, but when I read that post about self abandonment, if felt like the missing piece. 

My biggest fear had come true when I expressed to my friend how I was feeling. He did abandon me and our 20 year relationship. But, I didn't fall apart! I wasn't aware of it at the time, but I didn't self abandon myself by speaking my truth to my friend. Instead I "leveled-up" and spoke up for myself. That's how you're able to heal those overwhelming feelings of abandonment. You tell yourself you are worthy, your feelings are valid, you do have a right to bring up your feelings to people when you're feeling wronged. You can speak up for yourself. Sure, there may be painful ramifications from speaking up for yourself, but, when you choose yourself first, the healing occurs. It will eventually become second nature to show up for yourself in this way, instead of the overwhelming dread that may come along by speaking up for yourself. As Dr., Scott Lyons says, "If someone can't show up for you, they are revealing their capacity, and not a reflection of your worth." That was the overall feeling I had after the last email from my friend. His reaction(s) weren't about me at all. 

The self abandonment piece is also a way to release any feelings of residual anger and resentment towards the people in your life that you may feel have wronged you. It releases them from your mind and puts the responsibility squarely on yourself and why you're engaging in these self defeating habits. It also clears the way for forgiveness to enter, which I noticed happening after this realization. Also, in all my years of therapy and exploring other modalities to heal myself, I don't ever recall anyone ever saying anything remotely close to the insights I've had around self abandonment. I was able to get there, mostly by myself, by creating that space within my energy field for these emotions and pain to come to the surface, in order to heal. Over time, I think the self abandonment realization will become the biggest lesson for me. It feels pretty big. 

I've known throughout most of my adult life that my abandonment issues is my core wound. That's one of the reasons I believe, that I came here in this life to heal. I spent time in my early 20's and 30's trying to heal those wounds and feelings, mostly by attending Alanon and both individual and group therapy and reading tons of self-help books. In my late 20's, after about 7 years in Alanon, I decided to move on from those meetings and do more spiritual based work. I started to intently study A Course in Miracles, which is an amazing spiritual belief system. During those times, I believe I learned to spiritually bypass a lot of my feelings, because they were just to painful to deal with. Then perhaps around my late 30's, into my 40's, my thoughts became, "I'm just gonna have to learn to live with these feelings." 

It wasn't until these past few years during my energy healing and shamanism studies, that these deep deep feelings started to come up. Through my energy healing training, I learned how to track and clear those blockages within my energy field. It has mainly been my 3rd, 4th and 5th chakras where these trapped emotions lay. I held most of those feelings in my gut and I experience all the classic feelings of an adult child of an alcoholic. Something I've always known. 

Once that energy was released from my body, is when I was able to gain these incredibly healing insights. It's quite amazing how it all happens. This is the meaning of self-healing. Which is exactly what energy healing is. The person receiving energy healing, from a practitioner like myself, is the one who is doing the actual healing. I am the person who runs the energy protocol and I am the conduit to Higher Source. The energy then directly flows into your field, the client. I have also experienced how this modality works much quicker than traditional talk-therapy. This is not to say talk therapy isn't valuable. It is. I've found it a very valuable tool throughout my entire life. 

I’ve restored the balance and harmony to my energy field, thus, resulting in healing within my physical body. I've noticed how my gut is healing, which still needs attention, but it is mainly being done nutritionally.  But, I'm not running to the restroom when I feel overwhelming fear or nervousness. The anxiety I once felt, has turned into meeting different experiences with neutrality. This was something I recently noticed by accident while watching news. My overthinking thinking has significantly decreased by reminding myself to stay in present moment awareness. I’m not feeling as much dread or a pit in my stomach if I need to speak up for myself. I've also learned that a majority of my life I've reacted from the position of fight-flight-fawn-freeze responses and I've witnessed changes their as well. My nervous system has regulated itself, as I've particularly put a lot of attention to healing it. I'm walking away from people that don't see my worth and situations that feel unsafe. I feel calmer today than I have at any point in my life. I am healing at the level of Mind, Body and Soul.  

I can honestly say, I've healed a lot of my abandonment issues the past 2 years through energy healing. A lot of it has come full circle and I've now been able to connect it all together: the fear of abandonment to, "If I tell you how I feel, you'll leave me," to my people pleasing, to feelings of low self worth, to my lack of boundaries, to settling, all wrapped up leading to self abandonment. This was how I was unconsciously showing up in the world and in all my relationships. I was longing for self realization and transformation, despite the pain and suffering it took to get here. It's all been completely worth it. 

I've finally made myself my priority. 

It's not completely surprising to me, but, I am somewhat shocked, and of course saddened, at how many of my friendships have ended. Most will tell you this will happen, when you start to awaken as I have. Due to a lot of childhood bullying, I didn't have many friends growing up. So, as an adult, I've always felt it important to keep a large circle of friends. But, I'm no longer willing to shrink myself to fit the people I've outgrown. 

During this time I saw an excerpt from Kayil York and her book titled, Heartwork Therapy, which states, "Thank you for rejecting me. Thank you for bailing on me. Thank you for not caring. Thank you for not being there when I needed you. Thank you for ghosting me. Thank you for not making an effort. Thank you for not treating me right. I needed to understand that your rejection was meant to show me that my worth is greater and that this redirection is meant to get me back on the track you took me off of." 

I feel this sums up my feelings. 

My abandonment issues and my friends have become my greatest teachers!

Namaste 

🙏🏼❤️‍✨

"If  you want to awaken all of humanity, then awaken all of yourself. If you  want to eliminate the suffering in the world, then eliminate all that is dark and negative in yourself. Truly, the greatest gift you have to give is that of your own self-transformation."  ~ Lao Tzu